You wanna WAN burger and some french cries?

Wow. How pathetic was that last post? Further proof that drinking Jagerbombs all night while crying and reviewing every failed relationship in my life and then blogging about it is a BAD idea. My boy, the one I was somehow convinced was leaving me, may or may not be. But he’s not leaving me for good. Just moving. Maybe. He’s very unsure of his current life move, therefore his decision to move changes daily. Either way, I do believe he’ll be around for quite a while.

Anywho, in other news, I had a really strange week. I had that impending sense of doom hovering in the corner like a bad child. But after a plethora of liquor, a therapeutic rage kicking session, and a very invigorating adventure in the mountains with my love yesterday, things are looking much better. I’m going to West Virginia this weekend to spread my dad’s ashes on the New River Gorge Bridge. If you’ve never heard of this bridge, it’s amazing. There’s a mountain called Beauty Mountain on one side of the bridge, where I will proceed to pour out for some vodka for my homies and let the ashes fly. I feel like this event may help me begin to let go and move on.

It’s a gorgeous day outside and I’m stuck at work. How fun. If one more customer hangs up on me, I swear I’m gonna start hanging up on them. It’s ridiculous. But more on customer service later.

A fairy tale of sorts

Once upon a time there was a girl. She was what we like to call a "serial dater". She was in long term relationships back to back for 8 years straight. One boy leaves, oh well, the next one's right around the corner. Six years into this constant whirlwind of mean, angry, useless boys she met the one. Or so she thought. He was everything she thought she wanted. The strong quiet type. He had good values, good you know, and he was good looking to boot. Up until this point, the girl had never really dated an attractive guy. She thought they were, of course, but most didn't. Until this one.
This boy took over her brain. He moved in almost immediately and was always there for her, or so it seemed. Soon enough things started to go sour. They were engaged 3 months in (too soon of course) and began to plan for happily ever after. Then he cheated. Things were tense and this girl went crazy. Crazy jealous. She couldn't handle the pressure and couldn't trust him again. She couldn't let him go though. No way no how. So she pushed through it. She dealt with all kinds of bullshit. Tons of potential cheating. Five breakups. But she never gave up. In the back of her mind she knew. It would be her and him forever. Then, during a freak blizzard at the end of February (which doesn't usually happen in VA) and right after the girl's dad died, he left. Left and never came back. This girl lost her mind and went on a fury of binge drinking and overall self loathing.
Fast forward to three months later and she met HIM. The new boy. The love her life. The reason she wakes up smiling every morning and the reason she makes it through the day. And now he's leaving too. How does said girl make sure the next one doesn't leave? It seems almost impossible that she could have to feel this pain again. Yet it's happening. It's playing out right before her eyes.
This feeling has to go away soon or I might just lose it for good. It seems ridiculous that I base my self-worth on if someone loves me or not. But it's always been this way. Call it daddy issues. Call it co-dependence. Call it dumb. Either way, it seems like this pain will never go away.

Happy fucking father's day.

Dear Daddy:

This is my first father’s day without you. We never really celebrated it when you were alive but now that you’re gone I’ve felt like I couldn’t breathe all day. I don’t think I will ever get over the pain of watching you die and knowing I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I am so angry that you left me here. I’m even angrier that you left me for the bottle long before that.

I thought I had daddy issues before but these days it seems I’m a whole new type of crazy. I coddle the hell out of everyone for fear that if I turn my back they might leave me. Or die. Or something. Because of my intense need to be with the people I love all the time, I’ve pushed two very important people away from me. I’m my mother. I never understood why she put up with your belligerent shit for so long. It’s because she needed something to keep her grounded. Now that you’re gone, she’s flown the coop. I keep trying to replace you with someone just as drunk and mean as you but no one will ever replace you. No matter what, I’ll still always be daddy’s little girl. I love you. Happy father’s day.

Get off me, blood sucker!

Ever since I can remember, I have taken care of people. I’m the first to loan someone money if I have it or buy them a pack of cigarettes or a beer when payday isn’t soon enough. Sometimes, this is a good thing. People think I’m caring and sweet. I’ve made plenty of friends by passing out cigarettes to drunk girls who’ve dropped their cigarettes in puddles/toilet/ piles of puke (don’t judge, we’ve all been there).
I’ve been taken advantage of for years. Some of my best friends have only hung around me because of my generosity. I’ve spent thousands of dollars to make sure that no one is left out and everyone is having a good time. And it has to stop.
I’ve recently been extremely broke due to the back and forth moving and being unemployed for the last 3 weeks. I’m tired of being used and being broke is always a good motivation. So I’m cutting everyone off. No rides, no food, cigarettes. Nothing. Find someone else to leech off of. Please.

And, I'm back!

So after a very broke and rainy few weeks in Charleston where I had no friends, lived at the public library, and ate potted meat for every meal for 4 days straight (how the heck did I even do that?) I came to visit VA for 3 days.



And I didn't go back.



Not my choice. I got home to a zoo of people at my moms house, which was already weird due to the fact that my mom is a loner and has no friends. They stayed up all night, kept me up, caused me to leave my moms and escape to the boyfriend's at 3am just to go to sleep. Moral of the story is, at some point that night, my mom lost her mind. Literally.



I came home the next day hungover, sleepy, and starving. Over a huge plate of bacon, my mom dropped the bomb. I couldn't go back to SC. Period. She was going to check into the Psych ward a la nervous breakdown 2009. Did NOT see that one coming. So after 3 weeks, my dream died in 5 minutes. I had to quit my job, break my lease, and kiss the tiny hint of tan I had goodbye. I moped for about a week, drank for about a week, and now I'm remembering how much I hate small town living. I feel like I failed. And it wasn't even my choice. After moving costs, apartment stuff, and moving back costs, my mom literally threw away thousands of dollars. She's out of the nut house, super happy and loving life due to the killer meds they gave her. And I'm miserable. I'm pretty sure I became the mom in this relationship and that makes me just wanna rage kick everything in my path.